Sunday, July 10, 2011

I Am Not Legend

“What part, exactly, of Will Smith getting eaten by post-apocalyptic plague cannibals did you think I would enjoy?”

Staring at the ominous mouth of the garbage disposal, I can still hear my irritated voice. One of the very few occasions that we had an evening to ourselves, and he decides we should see that. Will Smith might have been legend in the movie, but my fear-and-hormonally-induced tantrum was legendary. Once man and dog ran into the dark building where you just knew that the fanged clan was gathered, I started looking at the exit sign. By the time he was hanging upside down as the sun started to set on screen, I was worse than a four-year-old boy standing in left field after drinking an entire bottle of Gatorade. Right after he strangled his dog moments before it crossed that final line to becoming a virus-possessed beast I fished the car keys out of my husband’s pocket and walked out of the theater.

I don’t do scary.

Rosemary’s Baby. Children of the Corn. The Omen. Alien. The Birds. Freddy. Jason. The Amityville Horror. The Exorcist. Pet Semetary. Graveyard Shift. Scary Movie. If there’s a chance something is standing behind a door – and there always is – I can’t watch it. Halfway through the movie “Signs” I started washing dishes. I almost saw “The Blair Witch Project.” Almost. I’ve never seen “Saw” … one, two, three or four. And don’t even get me started on Chucky. A demon-possessed doll? Who thinks up these things?

Let’s just say that when my kids asked to move the clown painting into the closet – facing the wall – I knew exactly where they were coming from.

The garbage disposal is my own personal scary movie. I have no idea what’s inside, but I know it is entirely unpleasant. I am not sure if it is the slimy food remnants, or the interlocking steel jaws designed to shred the food. It doesn’t really matter – either one makes me skittish. When something fell in there that shouldn’t my husband knew that his ask-for-no-help wife would gladly take a back seat.

No husband. No back seat.

“So, what happened at the end of the movie?”

He laughed and kissed the hand he was holding. “He died.”

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