Hand in Hand.

“I had none cards today. And none cards all week! Can we go to the store right NOW?!”

She’s been home for all of five minutes and has been waiting all week for this moment. Secretly, so have I. Ahead of us is an afternoon of girl time filled with glitter and delicious smells, sparkly things and cookie breaks. An afternoon filled with the warmth of her hand in mine and the sound of her laughter. 

For years, I’ve watched from a quiet distance as women talk about the afternoons they spend with their daughters. Pedicures and manicures, movies, shopping and dance classes – notches in the belt of motherhood that left me ambivalent, irritated and wistful.

Just when life had settled and she had aged enough, the bottom fell out. While mothers around us celebrated the mother-daughter bond with definitively female pursuits, our days were filled with the pain of rebuilding our broken world. Things that had once come easily became insurmountable challenges and simple pleasures were forgotten in the melee. Instead, we bonded over something far greater. Our bond was one of loss and survival, strength and resilience.

While some urged us forward too far and too fast, I discovered how deeply a mother’s instinct runs and how strong we both were. Where some saw childish anger, I saw something deeper. Where some laughed off teasing as just childish antics, I saw how deeply and permanently their words cut. Where some saw willfulness, I saw determination and a future filled with possibility. Where some saw too many tears, I saw a little girl who didn’t understand why he wouldn’t be there to paint her toes after bath time.

I see a willful little girl determined to live life on her terms.

Watching her eyes sparkle, I do not regret the pedicures and shopping trips missed. I do not regret the late night tears and stories in the dark. I do not regret the years I lost in my own life to repair the foundation of hers. Because we are walking through each new door hand in hand.

Even when those hands are Snickerdoodle sticky.