And the Clock Struck Five.

Sometimes I wonder.

Are you out there somewhere? Is there really something that comes after, or was your light extinguished forever and eternity when the last breath left your body? Did you dream before you died? Did you feel it happening? Was it simply the quiet and peaceful passing that I need to desperately believe in?

The kids have grown so much since you left us.  

Your mischievous little boy has an old soul, one far wiser than his years should be. He shouldered so much pain after you left us. He remembered what you told him, that when you weren’t there he was the man of the house and he had to protect his sister. He is still the loving boy you knew, but there is anger within. I see it simmering when you should be there, watching his games and joining the other fathers in the locker room. He reaches out and touches my shoulder when I lace his skates and when I look up, there is an amused sadness in his eyes. If you are there, can you find a way to let him know?

She is still the devilish little girl that turned our world upside down, and I see in her the strength that I have found in myself. She cried and raged and I was helpless to calm the storm. All she knew was that you were no longer there and that I couldn’t fix it. She is terrified of this house that took you away and I have tried so hard, endless nights of tearful bedtimes and midnight terrors, to soothe her pain and her fears. She tells me you won’t be there when she turns 16 and she makes plans for her brother to walk her down the aisle. Are you there when we lie in the dark and she cries in my arms? Can you watch over her?

They will carry their sadness and anger and grief with them forever, a wound I cannot heal and a mark on their souls that I cannot erase. Do you laugh when you see them, bickering like close-knit siblings do? Do you watch with pride when they protect each other against the wrongs that life and others inflict? Do you listen as your daughter talks about her eyes and how they are yours? Do you wonder as I do what his passions in life will be? Do you shake your head and remember when I told you he would love hockey above all else? Do you see that I was right?

Do you see me? 

I am so very tired. In losing you, I lost myself. Their grief was all consuming and we spiraled into a cold grey existence for so long. I gave up everything, walked away from the path we had chosen. In my heart I know that there was no other choice to taken and if there had been I would have taken no other. But in saving them I failed myself and five years later I am still adrift. I’ve devalued myself and allowed myself to be devalued. I’ve let everyone else come first, draining me in a perpetual state of exhaustion. I’ve let others push me in directions I would not choose and I’ve fought the battles we weathered together on my own.

Where were you when I needed you? Didn’t you hear me screaming?! Where were you when I was drowning in the dark, hours of sobbing into the pillow so that they would not hear me?

But you weren’t there. You left me there in that bed alone.

For weeks the tears have fallen again. Over what we lost. Over moments that you will not be there and pride they will not see. But when the clock struck on the fifth year, I watched the life I’ve lost flash in front of my eyes and I cried.

For me.