Places to Go.

I’m afraid that sometimes
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.

For the first time since school ended and the long weekend arrived, I have sixty minutes of nothingness. No dishes. No laundry. No groceries. No work. No dog walking or dog running or dog feeding or dog cleaning or dog chasing. No garbage emptying. No email answering. No phone calls, No Facebook. No bill paying. No shoe repairing and no oil changing. No yard work. No vacation planning or summer camp registering. No closet emptying and no box filling.

Nothing.

But here’s the thing about busyness. Busyness keeps the loneliness of nothing at bay. Until you stop.

I am, admittedly, far too busy. I have done everything in my power to stay busy. At first it was survival and then anger and then boredom and then avoidance. I haven’t slowed down in years because, when I do, I do not enjoy the experience. Because relaxing and recharging, simply means being alone.

Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

At the movies. At the spa. At dinner. At the gym. In my running shoes. On my bike. At a show. On my couch. In my pool. On my bike.

In all fairness, it isn’t that I have nothing. I have two extraordinary children who have taught me that the vast depths of love stretch far beyond what we believe our capacity to be. I am financially sound. My home is comfortable and my extended family is relatively normal and devoid of skeletal debris. My career is fulfilling, perhaps more than I should let it be, and thanks to my doctor’s interest in taking a closer look at my innards, I am assured that I have my health.

But something is missing. The hand that would want to hold mine. The eyes that would laugh at my irritated pout. The arms to keep me safe.

I race through weekends to avoid the aloneness, but it is the long weekends that I dread. For five long days I have simmered in frustration and upset, filling every moment to avoid the simple truth that everyone around me is doing something with someone they love. While I’ve sat here.

Going nowhere fast.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.